Happy and Dissatisfied?

...why yes, I am. I repaved my broken road and I'm starting to coast down it, but I'm not satisfied. I'm happy most of the time, but I'm not excited about much. Being content is not fun! I miss my friends, I miss popping up randomly and creating the best memories out of cracking up for a few hours. I miss having time to wander around in the city and really get things done. When I had a huge depressing list of things to do, I had many moments where I could bask in my accomplishments. I paid a bill off for a month, I bought my sister something she really liked, I had a blast just spending time with my friends, I don't get to do these things as often as I used to and I hate that. I spend too much of my time in the Bronx, I'm not moving around and its maddening. I'm not making money like I used to, it puts a damper on what I can do and I don't even try to branch out and find things to do anymore. The last time I got complacent, I was miserable. Granted, I do have wonderful parts of my life that keep me smiling, but these different details make me want to do better, I want to be better than the wonderful parts of my life. I want to reign supreme and be admired, I feel like I was closer to achieving that while I was where I used to be. I'm clear on what I'm doing with myself now, but I'm confused as hell on how I'm supposed to feel. I wanted to stop feeling like a rock stuck on the side of a river, I started moving with the next current only to get caught again. I need to get midstream mentally and stay there.

Breathe

When big changes come into your life, they hit your subconscious like a wrecking ball, and you don't even take into account what really happened until you've already made the necessary adjustments in your life. How do I continue to make these adjustments when I've realized how huge this change is? This is like nothing I have ever seen, things are so different than what I was working towards. I am happy and moving forward in a progressive manner, but I didn't see this coming at all. My friends tell me I over-analyze everything and they tell me not to worry about things so much, I should just go with the flow. But when has that ever been an option I would choose. I don't want to get caught up in the current, I want to be the current, I want to control everything! I find today unproductive, which is ironic because it was supposed to be my busiest day of the week. I doubt it'll go how I planned, but its worth a try isn't it? I have a new set of goals accumulating. 2012 only started 20 days ago and its already off to an insane start. Me and my asthmatic, out-of-shape self hit the ground running after free falling through a cloudy sky full of worries and doubt. Moving forward without obstacles can be easier, but I think I may have functioned better when I had obstacles challenging me. Deep sea diving is more fun than floating on the surface, it took me a while to see that.

17 Days 'til Christmas

I am feeling exceptionally positive today. I finally purchased a nice pair of sneakers yesterday, last time I wore a pair was in 2008 or early 2009. These are black and white boys shoes and quite comfortable. My tax class is going well. Not as well as I thought it would, but that is due to my own naivete. An average person cannot be expected to master such a heavy subject in a matter of 4 weeks. We actually have class for a total of 16 days, which is 2 weeks and 2 days. Frankly, I'm astonished that I was able to learn as much as I have with so little prior experience. I was accepted into Kingsborough and am anxiously awaiting my acceptance letter so that I may extend my unemployment. I've been told by more than one person to not work while going back to school. I will be taking that advice for as long as I can. Don't really have much else to say. Enjoy the rest of your day everyone!

Unlimited Sushi 2

Today is the tenth day of November. There are 51 days left of the year 2011. As this year comes to a close, I'm pleased to see loose ends tying themselves up. I've finally submitted my CUNY application and I'm waiting for my admissions interview, I've started revisiting the chiropractor, I'm going back to yoga, I only have $526 in debt to pay off, I'm waiting for my Tax Prep class to begin, I even made the major purchases and returned most of the things I've borrowed. As a scrawny Twig once told me, this really was my MJ year, I did big things and made huge transitions.                         

Basic things I'd hope to eventually get are now mine and don't even qualify for reminiscence. I wanted a room for so long, I have it now, my attention has turned on having electricity, a working lock, efficient window treatments, a better closet, more room for my things. While I was sleeping on a couch that damaged my back I used to wish I just had a little private space for myself, I was willing to make a broom closet work and now I think I need more space with the same amount of possessions I had back then. When I was sleeping on the floor, I was fine with a minimalist design for the room, now I want to tear down my closet and install shelves and spend money. Some people are never satisfied, apparently I'm one of them. I've been wondering if this is a good thing, I suppose it is in moderation. I've been trying to justify my self-serving desires with tactful explanations, in this case my ideas would be beneficial to the house itself when my father decides to rent out that apartment. Normal people would want to live in a properly constructed apartment right? But what do I need these things for? I had to live without them, I know I'm able to live without them, so why do I need them now?

I was drowning in debt, I don't think I was even 21 when I started considering bankruptcy, now I have a fraction of that horrendous debt to pay off and it's a manageable amount, in fact, I could pay it off in less than 5 weeks if I didn't do anything but stay home for the next month and a half. Sometime ago I would have leaped at the idea of being debt free even if I was confined to my house for the rest of my life. Now I cringe at the thought of wasting my time staying in this house. I could be outside, walking around, seeing my friends, going to the bookstore, having memories. I'd rather have a life now and pay off the debt gradually as opposed to being debt free sooner?

November 15, 2011 

I started this entry 5 days ago. I've been visiting Xanga more frequently, writing short entries with no real substance. Most of the entries were left unfinished or unfit for intelligent minds to waste time skimming through. I think I'm just really frustrated by the rut I'm in right now. Even though I am comfortable being a bum right now, as opposed to the last few times when I was buried under debt and ridiculous secrets, my everyday ongoings are public. I should have no real reason to feel overwhelmed, but I am. I must admit how much I miss working at Papyrus. The day I got hired I knew that I'd do everything I could to keep that job no matter how horrible it might get and I stuck by my word until I realized how depressing it was to stay there. I managed to get back on my feet with that job, pay down those stupids debts, start thinking about school again. I started figuring out what I wanted for myself. Academic achievements, material possessions, marketable skills (like learning how to drive and maybe be a bartender), I was getting back to square one. Now I'm 6 days away from my first class in 2.5 years and my subconscious is yelling at me to wake up. I don't actually want to do taxes for a living, but this was the only thing available to me while I waited for my next chance to re-apply to CUNY. I'm using this class to ease myself back into a learning environment and also to make sure I have something to fall back on in case I don't live up to my full potential. What I really want to do is take another acting class, take a speech class, develop my voice, take a cooking class, a sewing class. Get into marketing maybe and stick with fashion. I don't want to keep up with trends, trends are stupid. I want to keep up with classic style, the idea of those timeless pieces you always find in a person's wardrobe. I want to be on TV again, only this time I want to be an actor or a host or someone answering questions or speaking my mind. I want to build up a program to feed people, to assist the oppressed, I want to develop a full delicious menu of strictly vegan and vegetarian meals that people would want to enjoy on a weekly basis. I will never be a vegan myself but I like the concept and I think it should be re-evaluated and reformatted in an affordable way, let's face it, a vegan lifestyle is a lot more expensive than "normal" living. I think growing and maintaining crops is the most affordable way to feed the people starving around the world. I think capitalism needs oppression and poverty to stay alive in some ways. I want to like driving, I want to enjoy being behind the wheel and maneuvering an automobile with ease of mind instead of panicking with every move I make. In the future I want my own home, car, savings and investments, a stable career, I want to make sure I've checked off all the dangerous and stupid things I want to do. I want to have travelled to at least 3 other continents and I would prefer if the person I marry shares my values and ideas and wants to raise our kids just as I want them raised. I want to make an honest effort at learning another language, either Hindi or Mandarin, actually, I want to fully relearn and understand Hindi while starting the basics of Mandarin. I want to get my vision fixed. I want to get back to having a nicely shaped figure. I want to cut off all my hair, I want to have it long again, I want to pierce my ears some more, I might want to get my nose pierced. I want to visit a mosque and relearn how to skate and ride a bike and swim. I want so many things! When people ask me what I want, when I ask myself what I want, I never know what to say, now I have a whole list to look back on. Before I go, I want 2 proper jackets for cold weather and an Undergraduate degree from CUNY before I'm 26 years old. I want to have at least one calendar in my live that will not have the words "Stayed home all day" on any page. I want my life to be an adventure I can fascinate people with.

Ending all too soon...

I had a crazy dream last night. I was back in high school and the whole dream was just flashbacks of different friends in my life and different classes. It was a good dream, it only focused on positive events. I have such great memories of high school. I woke up wishing it was 2004-2006. I wished I was waking up for school, getting on the train for two hours, walking to the deli, getting into the building and getting severely pissed off that my first class had to be on the 5th or 6th floor. Saying hi to everyone, feeling energized about the day to come. Contemplating which classes to cut, finishing my homework, blasting music in my I.D. Classes. i had so many opportunities i failed to take back then, everyday could have been a new adventure, fortunately I still came out on the brightside. When I have my own kids I want to push them to do something everyday. Have an exciting life, be productive. I want them to be happier than I was growing up.