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Location: The Bronx, New York, United States
Interests: Equality among all, culture, art, and what makes life what it is as we know it.
Expertise: I read all the time. I speak eloquently and think intelligently, when I feel like it. Other than that I'm good at some things, but I am not an expert in anything really.
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I am now debt free. I have paid off every single penny that I ever owed. It took 7 years and I finally managed to do it. No more will I have to write down total debts for the month, or destroy credit cards, or shred statements that fill up my mailbox. I am proud of myself.
As for school, I have applied for graduation. I am a member of Phi Theta Kappa and I have made the Dean's List. I applied to Baruch for accounting and I sincerely hope I'm accepted. This semester has not been easy, I have been struggling a lot with the workload of my classes. I hope to catch up before I damage my GPA (which is currently a 3.8).
It once bothered me that I was unable to achieve all of these things while I was attending college the first time around, but my mindset has changed. They say that most people use the first few years of adulthood to figure themselves out. I used to think that I was too busy trying to balance my life to actually live it. But now I am 25, my adolescence is long gone despite my appearance or my love of things for the younger crowd. The truth is, I was trying to figure myself out along with everyone else, i just wasn't very smart about it. I didn't take trips or party a lot, I worked overtime and went to class and tried to spend time with my friends and tried to find my own hobbies in the meantime. I did live my life, it just wasn't to my satisfaction. I know now that I can do anything I put my mind to, I know that's a corny cliche and it really does apply to me. When I felt like the world was passing me by, I was so broke that I had to scrape together change for just one Metrocard fare, I was drowning in debt to point where I had to stop answering my phone, I was out of school for so long with no degree or certificate, I felt like my potential wasn't valid enough to do better for myself. I put myself in such a deep abyss, now my past reality seems like a horrible that I just woke up from. It is an afterthought, the hell I've been through.
I am moving on, going forward. I have dreams now, goals that I want to achieve. I want to go to Baruch, learn accounting, get accepted into the MBA program. If I don't get it, I'll work for my Bachelor's degree, then apply to the Master's program after. I want to travel, take a trip on the Euro Rail, go to South America again, go on a cruise, finally go to California, have a dress custom made in Thailand. I want to continue having savings. In the 7 years since I've had my first job, there is no evidence that I have ever been responsible handling money until now. I have SAVINGS!!! Its not like I have an amount eligible for retirement, but I have enough to get by for the next few months if I don't get another job soon. And speaking of jobs, I have options! I have plans and a plan b, and if those don't work out, I have other things I can do. I have grown mentally. I am positive now, I know I'll be ok because I won't give up, not like I did before. I will be a college graduate in a few weeks, that was the only goal I had when I graduated from high school. Took longer than usual, but it is happening. What I want, will become my reality. I have never been more proud of myself in my life. I am excited to live, to wake up in the morning and look out my window as the sun shines in my face. It blinds me every morning and I still do it. I have so much potential and now I know it.
I have some of the greatest friends ever. Even the ones I rarely see, the ones who brighten my day by just saying hello in their own special way, even the ones who blurt out something random and clever and they have to run past me, every single one of them has brought me to this mentality I have today. I am a better person now because of all the people who saw potential in me, they were patient enough to stick around until I could see it for myself. I can never thank them enough for helping to mold me.
With all the positivity I am going on about, there has been a few setbacks, and that's ok. That's life works, everything can't be perfect at the same time. I figure those things out as I go along, I process each issue in a way that will be beneficial to me. So far, my method is working, on most of these issues. I should stop procrastinating and get back to my papers now. I'm still smiling because I'm happy with myself.
Tonight my 16 year old brother asked me to borrow money. He didn't ask for food or for a video game. He asked so that he could afford to take his first girlfriend out for valentines day. He wants to genuinely do something nice for a person who isn't related to him, a person he loves. And even though I think he's young and most of society has their own opinion on how this will end, I find myself reminiscing on my own days in high school. When I was 16, I didn't have anyone doing something like that for me. I had boys who claimed to like me, but I didn't have anyone who respected me. I used to hope to god that my little brother would not turn out like the little pigs I endured in my youth. Eight years later, it's his turn to go to high school and I am proud to say that my very own little brother has become a young man that treasures the first person he has ever fallen for. I don't know how long their relationship will last, but I am so very proud of him for going after her. I hope she realizes how lucky she is. Some girls will never have this experience, like me. I hope my brother will always be this way towards anyone he chooses to be with. He says he plans to marry her, that's too adorable to actually stomach.
I know why he's so affectionate, it's the same reason why I am. We don't come from a household that gives that nurturing feeling. If we aren't suffocated, we feel stuck. We want balance and we had to find it elsewhere. I've been thinking, he will be a legal adult in less than two years time, I think he'll be ok. I still have some reservations about the way he behaves and things that he does, but I think the kid will be alright. I can't wait to see how he turns out.
I can't sleep. I think I've grown accustomed to falling asleep next to someone (specific and important to me). I like being wrapped in his arms and sharing body heat, gradually falling asleep while listening to his breathing. I like how we sleep together and how we wake up together. I like what I have so much, it's hard to be without it. That itself is terrifying, as I am now watching "Happy Feet Two" and wondering what he's doing. I'll see him tomorrow, but it looks like a teddy bear and a pillow under a heavy comforter will have to suffice until tomorrow when I will see him again. I'll have to figure out sleeping by myself again at some point, but now is not the time to worry about that. Just for now I'll be happy being in love.
I have a paper to start, a paper to revise, a speech to start, outlines to write and massive amounts of studying to do for the next two weeks and what do I find myself doing?? Watching a Taiwanese drama and half-assing my assignments. So let's blurt out all the things I've been letting stew in my head, hopefully I'll have some peace of mind when I'm too tired to spit out more. Capital One bill was post-dated for yesterday, why is the money still in my account? My feet are aching everyday because they need new shoes, I went up a shoe size and every time I want to buy boots, my money has to go elsewhere and I keep putting this off and it annoys me because the longer I wait, the more damage I'll do to my feet. My iTouch needs to be updated, I never renewed the warranty, its acting weird and I need more music on it. I finally went to get my eyebrows done and Little Miss "I understand" completely ignored what I told her to do and fucked up my eyebrows!!! I haven't been to Miriam in months, I need to go soon and the paper has a really good coupon I want to use, but again, my money has to go elsewhere and I can never seem to find time to go visit when I can actually afford to go. Love Gelato was shut down, while I rejoice in that fact, I wonder if I'll get a w-2 or if I'll have to contact those nut jobs about my wage information, I really don't want to do that. I need to start saving more, I need to renew my passport, get my driver's license, and I want to go on a trip, actually 4; California, Hawaii, and a cruise, and it would have been nice to go to the Philippines with my SO but I don't think that will happen. I haven't been in my house for a significant amount of time since before all the online orders I made got delivered and I want to check on them and do some laundry and change up the clothes I have at my SO's; its nice that i can use the washer and dryer at his house, but its not fun to mix and match the same few pieces two weeks in a row. People at my current job are irritating and I want to get myself and my friends out of there because, let's face it, we can do so much better elsewhere, it is a convenient job that requires almost nothing, but I'd rather fry my own brain than deal with some of these people. I need to make an appointment with Aaron, she's nice but I guess I was hoping to get a doctor who was a bit more personable. I need to go to Rosenfeld and I have all these other medical issues to sort out and I just can't seem to find the time to get this stuff done. Time is flying by way too fast for me and I would like it to slow down, SLOW DOWN!!
Originally I just wanted to comment humorously on a Datingish post http://www.datingish.com/767860624/cold-feet/, but my comment got so long I decided it would be my own blog entry. I really am proud of myself and I hope what I wrote here will help others who feel like they are in a situation similar to what I went through.
I overcame feeling trapped with these 4 steps (easier to do than you think):
1) Get your stuff out of his place, I suggest doing it covertly to make sure you get everything. Delete your pictures or personal documents off of his electronic devices, gather up any papers with personal information, get your jewelry, socks, ALL YOUR STUFF, anything you care about and everything he could use against you, to embarrass you, or to lure you back into his presence, find a place to put those things (i.e. family or friend's closet, garage, car trunk, whatever) This can take anywhere between a few hours to a few days or weeks, try to get it done as quickly and discreetly as possible.
2) In order to get help throughout this process, think very hard about the people you know. Who can you trust to confide in about what is really going on here? Who are you able to rely on to help you make and execute this decision, do you have anyone in your life who will discreetly support you leaving this guy even if they don't fully understand the situation? Even if you have to call a domestic abuse service (he is mentally abusing you, there are counseling services for that), get a few people ready and aware of what you are going through in case this situation turns violent (it can sometimes). There will be people who try to talk you into reconsidering your decisions, don't listen to anyone who is not seriously taking your mental and physical health into consideration. You need people on your side to back you up and you know you deserve better than what you are going through.
3) While completing Step 1 and 2, respond to his negative statements or wishes as you think wise for your particular situation, you can either be complacent and continue with your regular routine or start responding in accordance to how you feel. For those fully capable of defending themselves in their current situation, I personally suggest using eyes rolls, irritated stares, quizzical looks, and openly question the logic behind his statements. For example, he calls you fat, you could say something like "You ask me to marry you and then criticize my physical appearance? Do you hear yourself? Do you think that makes any sense? Were your eyes open when you proposed?" Try to have fun with this part, if he thought you were complacent and obedient, it'll be a real slap in the face when you start speaking up. You know you look good, you know you want tattoos or piercings or a new haircut, you know who your friends are, you like having a Facebook account, you know what you want, right?! You are your own person, with your own thoughts, whatever comes out of his mouth are just unnecessary opinions, YOU ARE NOT A PUPPET AND HE CANNOT CONTROL YOU!! Remember that the way you respond in this part is how you start breaking out of the mental trap, you are already angry and the rage is only building, you have to really get to the point where you can't take it anymore, the point where you are about to EXPLODE!
4) Once Step 1 is complete and hopefully Step 2 as well, Step 3 should have you seeing red, Step 4 is when you blow up! You can curse him out in person, talk to him calmly, talk to him on the phone, send him a text message, email, letter, postcard, whatever you prefer. How you dump him is totally up to you, this is not the time to consider his feelings, this is the time to liberate yourself from those feelings of entrapment. You were mentally abused, the only obligation you have to this person is to get the hell away from him, informing him of your departure is just a courtesy. Letting him know that you are leaving is the final step to breaking free from feeling like you are trapped, you have a chance to get everything off your chest, all those negative feelings you kept inside can now be let loose in whatever way you prefer.
NOTE: My post is geared towards those trapped in a mentally abusive relationship, I am clarifying because I have never been in a physically abusive relationship, I got myself out before it came down to that. I am not confident in my ability to mentally and physically remove someone from a violent relationship because I think everyone needs to figure out their own solutions to their own problems. I do, however, believe in my ability to support someone who needs a shoulder to lean on while they make their decisions. I hope that what I've posted will at the very least give you guys some hope and courage of better times to come.
When I was stuck in 2 year relationship (which became imprisonment in hell), my ex started to get mad randomly, he would stop me from leaving his house, call or text me every other minute I spent out of his sight (even if I was in the bathroom), and towards the end of it all, he started punching walls. When the distance between those walls and my body started getting closer and when he started gripping me a little too forcefully out of anger, I started bringing things home. I'd stuff clothes and jewelry into my purse, if he caught me I'd just say that I'd let my mom wash those things or that a friend wanted to borrow something, I'd tell him anything believable. I had friends in on my plan to leave, so they could confirm my statements when he asked and he did ask every time. Whenever he left his computer on and unlocked, I would go on and delete my pictures, my resumes, my documents a few at a time. I got lucky when he decided he rather save all his important information on a flash drive, I managed to copy all the things I wanted for myself while getting rid of anything he could use against me. I stopped opening my mail at his house and I stopped going online when he was around which lead to him losing interest in invading my privacy. I had been snapping back at his stupid comments, treating him like he didn't make sense, spending more time away from him as I built up my courage. He had become so controlling and putting me down was a daily routine, every single day of disrespectful, hurtful negative comments (formerly known as "constructive criticism"). Finally we had a fight where he punched a wall a few inches from my face and I became hysterical. All of my things were gone from his house and I had four people I was texting at five minute intervals, two were close enough to my ex's house, they could have broken in if they didn't hear from me in ten minutes. I screamed and cursed him out, every negative feeling I kept inside just came out and then I told him I never wanted to see him again, I picked up my bag and jacket and got out of there. Thinking I was just overreacting, he asked me to come over a few days later, I didn't trust him to behave in a civilized manner and I was done with him, so I sent him a long and formal break-up via text message then went on my merry way. He hid outside my house about a week later in hopes of cornering me, I was on the phone with my sister when I saw him, told her my exact location and he backed off when he realized I was serious about involving the police. A few months later, my sister went with me to give him back his promise ring and a few other possessions, he maintained the facade of a heartbroken, miserable, love-sick loser in hopes that I would give him another chance, that didn't happen. He had me in his life, disrespected me, and got way too close to physically hurting me. He knew he was wrong even with all the excuses he had invented to counter my arguments, and I knew that he would never change, he'd just try to put a leash on me again. I had no reason to keep in contact and I was so happy to break out of that hellhole, I refused to even give him the small pleasure of a friendship. It has been 4 years since I last saw or heard from him and I never regretted my decision, not once have I ever looked back on what I could or should have done, I did what was right for myself. I'm proud of myself for leaving and finding out what life really has to offer. I'll never get trapped again.